And I am sitting at work sending money transfers all over. It isn't even lunch time yet and I am hungry. I slid into work this morning on the gracious slopes of black ice on the sidewalk. But I didn't drop my bagel or my bowl of grits! It was a hilarious start to my holiday season. I know the drivers passing by probably thought I had been drinking, the way I was sliding all over the sidewalk... Maybe I'll talk more later. Should I not, Merry Merry and Happy Happy!
You had me at hello, when you offered to cook for me and you mixed me up a drink allowed time for me to think and gather my scrambled feelings you had me at hello, when you asked me to nap with you in the middle of the day knowing, somehow that I needed rest from the race I was unknowingly running. you had me at hello, no need to wonder how I feel about you into the darkness you came to claim me from the deepest of caverns wrapping me in your strong arms protecting me as if a precious gem, then stating yes, I am a precious gem one that had been thrown into the mud and disregarded, discarded and undervalued for much too long. for this I am eternally grateful. your understanding eyes, soft smile, and warm heart that warmed me with love you had me at hello, it was many moons ago but you had me at hello, ignoring my insecurities to see past the hurt that was me or the me that I showed the world. pushing past the mask you had me at hello. unafraid of my anger you reached past and massaged the ice that began forming around my heart so I wouldn't forget... Thank you, I love you, you had me at hello
Stress, panic, you name it I've got it. A research paper, my job, and life is collectively crowding my mental space. I don't have a new outlet to release all of this pent up energy and I feel myself reaching my maximum when I am ready to cut and run. I don't like that feeling. I have had enough of that bullshit to last me the rest of my days. I am not going into 2009 with lingering remnants of the dumb shit from the last ten years. Not one solitaire drop of it will follow me into the new year. That is why I am writing about it like this, to release it. Artists, true artists can feel when another artist is working through emotions that crowd and absorb way too much energy and time. This is my mountain top scream (pending when I actually find my space to actually release). I am currently listening to Beyonce (mostly her I Am CD) because she was going through some things when she penned these songs. One track inspired me more than
Scared of Lonely
Crying tears of hurt that refuse to leave,
Scars of fights linger past that refuse to heal.
My legs are tired from running,
From my past, present and future
For fear of repeating past mistakes and missing future opportunities.
Walls all around me
Threatening to close me in
Tightening the encasement I see
Above, in front, behind, below…
I’m scared of lonely
Lost in my thoughts of not recovering
From that long ago
That held me in captivity,
That long ago that blocked my breathing,
Off in the distance I hear
The subtle beat of
The drums,
My drums,
In the distance.
The drums spur me, although
I’m scared of lonely
In the dark the tears pour
Racing from my eyes
In time with my thoughts,
Racing against the fears that appear under the cover of night
How often do people think to write down their thoughts? I find it fascinating when I tell people that I write in a journal. They get this perplexed look on their faces as if to say, "that's for girls." I say keeping a journal is for everyone who cares to keep their sanity in check. Life can throw some major curveballs at you (even better than the Iraqi throwing his shoes at George Bush, lol!) Life has much better aim, I guarantee you. In those occassions when life isn't going quite right I write about it. Especially when someone agitates me and I can not get to my knitting or crocheting, I write about whatever it is. That way I can forget about it.
Peacefully Penned
As the ink sways across the lines of my book, I stare. Entranced by the hypnotic lull of my thoughts. I feel weightless as the anger fades with every stroke, every word that slips from my mind onto the paper below, capturing my feelings forever...
There is nothing better in this world that I have found than the joy and quiet of having peace of mind. Knowing that those who are around you will not purposely stress you out or try to harm you in any way is a calming and serene feeling. Even better is when you can share that peace of mind and serenity with someone else who is stressed to the edge of sanity.
Peace is found in the strangest places manifesting in the strangest ways, yet I enjoy the calmness of my mind when sweet quiet calms me...
Life is the capacity for growth, functional activity and continual change until death, according to the Oxford American Desk Dictionary and Thesaurus. Based on that definition I am surely alive. How do you separate those who are functioning but lack the capacity to grow? A comatose patient is functioning but lacks the capacity to grow because of a dormant mental state. As a child I used to stare at my reflection in the mirror wondering if I were alive. Being alive you can feel things like emotions and sensations. Life is an orchestrated choreography of events during an expanse of time. Yahoo states that life is the physical, mental, and spiritual experiences that constitute existence... So what does that mean for me... that means my life has been briefly described within the confines of my poetry that express my physical, mental and spiritual experiences. I have been working on an English paper and I have been drawing a blank for the last week. A definition essay on any word of our choosing. First I researched the word family because I love my family but I am angry with how they behave and expect others to ignore their ignorant behaviors while they are pointing out your behaviors. Next I worked on the word nationality. I found very interesting definitions for this word but again I had a hard time fleshing out a paper for my class. I also looked up the meaning of freedom. That is another interesting word that most people throw around like loose pennies. Unrestricted, not hindered in any way; to be free from enslavement... still I was unable to craft an essay for English. This really has me confused because I wanted to turn my paper in early but now it has come down to the wire, so what do I do???
No matter how people may try to fight it, they can not win because change is here. Barack Obama is a clear indicator that things have to change or we will destroy ourselves. And that's just on a governmental/global change. On an individual basis, change is here. For all those in my life who laughed at, mocked, or outright disrespected the change I am going through you have shown me exactly who to remove from my close inner circle.
On a lighter note, I am loving my English Composition class this semester (it's part two, I took part one last semester). I have been considering changing majors but Everest doesn't offer English through their online classes :-( That just means I have to morph in order to continue on my path... c'est la vie!
