Lead Based Therapy Comforts Me...

Stress, panic, you name it I've got it. A research paper, my job, and life is collectively crowding my mental space. I don't have a new outlet to release all of this pent up energy and I feel myself reaching my maximum when I am ready to cut and run. I don't like that feeling. I have had enough of that bullshit to last me the rest of my days. I am not going into 2009 with lingering remnants of the dumb shit from the last ten years. Not one solitaire drop of it will follow me into the new year. That is why I am writing about it like this, to release it. Artists, true artists can feel when another artist is working through emotions that crowd and absorb way too much energy and time. This is my mountain top scream (pending when I actually find my space to actually release). I am currently listening to Beyonce (mostly her I Am CD) because she was going through some things when she penned these songs. One track inspired me more than

Scared of Lonely

Crying tears of hurt that refuse to leave,

Scars of fights linger past that refuse to heal.

My legs are tired from running,

From my past, present and future

For fear of repeating past mistakes and missing future opportunities.

Walls all around me

Threatening to close me in

Tightening the encasement I see

Above, in front, behind, below…

I’m scared of lonely

Lost in my thoughts of not recovering

From that long ago

That held me in captivity,

That long ago that blocked my breathing,

Off in the distance I hear

The subtle beat of

The drums,

My drums,

In the distance.

The drums spur me, although

I’m scared of lonely

In the dark the tears pour

Racing from my eyes

In time with my thoughts,

Racing against the fears that appear under the cover of night

The fears that drive me to keep moving

To keep racing

To keep trying

Yet no one sees deep enough

Far enough

Or long enough

To see…

I’m scared,

Scared to reach out,

Scared to isolate

Scared to retreat

Scared to run forward

Scared of lonely…