Halo

I am divinely protected in more ways than I can be thankful for. I haven't written here for a while and for good reason. Changes. Right now I am listening to "Halo" by Beyonce off of her I Am...Sasha Fierce cd. I love this cd because it speaks to how I have been feeling. This is a double disc and Beyonce took a step out of her comfort zone for this one. Her feelings that she is exposing on these two discs are feelings that many women feel but keep bottled up. As a thank you to her for writing, composing, directing, performing these tracks, I want to send her a copy of Entangled Hearts. That is the least I could do for the beautiful music she packed onto two discs.

As for me, I have yet to find the right combination of words to pen more poems that fully express what I am feeling right now. There are so many emotions flowing through me right now it is distracting, confusing, angering, irritating, and sad all at the same time. But, me being me, I am pushing through it the only way I know how - more creativity. I have been writing in my personal journal more often, I have been taking more pictures, and I am starting up a crocheting class for girls and ladies who wish to learn.

The holidays are not making things any easier for me. Today is Thanksgiving and for the first time since the conception of my sons, they are not with me. That doesn't just hurt, that burns because of the circumstances surrounding my separation from them. I spent a lot of time being angry but now I am just sad from missing my boys grow up. I love them dearly and the tug-of-war that was ensuing was causing more damage than the other party was willing to admit. I will not hurt my children when I see a way that will prevent their pain. I will not continue to tug them when I know they will not have any peace. Just writing this is bringing tears...

What is family? Is family just a collection of people who just happen to share the same bloodline? Is family a collection of people who genuinely care for, look out for, and take care of one another? How do you distinguish the two? How do you merge the two? How do you safely and psychologically remove those who do not fit in either category?

That golden ring shining in my darkest hour, a circlet of truth and goodness,
promises of better times when my face lies in the dirt of others' lies and deceits.
Cold and bitter is the dirt that encases me in my pain of pains
clouds above cover the protective warmth of the sun
the stench of death and disease lingers on the tongues of those who wait for my destruction.
Sadness begins to claim me, pulling me through the dirt and cement into the realm of the others
where familiar faces smile at my decent.
Feeling alone, deserted and desolate I succumb to the pull of beyond
when a strong hand gently pulls against the tug of below.
Not able to resist either the new pull has a strength that seems familiar.
I have felt this hand before,
a soft whisper blows overhead
and suddenly the clouds depart as if not ever there, allowing the sun to burn bright
softening the dirt that covers me.
I feel a warmth on my back, energizing and rejuvenating.
Quietly inspiring and encouraging me to fight, get up and fight.
Commanding me to continue on because I have to...
all of nature joins in the command urging me to stand up.
Slowly, I lift my head out of the earth to see the gilded glow in front of me...
Your Halo.
Saving my spirit, my being, me...