On Why Yet's Watch with Sharai Robbin

I am still interviewing guests on the radio! Last night I interviewed an inspirational lady, Sharai Robbin, and had such a wonderful time talking about life, books and words creating vasts worlds in our imaginations that I didn't want the interview to end. But you can check it out on your own here. I am still reeling and I have to get up early in the a.m. PEACE!

Happy Birthday Self!

2016 is moving just as I said I wanted it to at the end of 2015... Today I am a glorious 36 years young! No I am not ashamed to tell my age because I have earned EVERY, SINGLE, YEAR I celebrate. And this year I have much to celebrate because for too long I have allowed others' insecurities to influence me and influence my behaviors.

I'm not just talking about my current disgruntled, but soon-to-be ex-boyfriend. I mean all the way back to my own mother. Mom, I love you but it is what it is. I have spent the better part of my adulthood always doing what was considered 'right' instead of doing what was right for me. It cost me. Time. Love. Emotional stability. I endured relationships that I had NO business being in because the other party had no good intentions towards me, but I endured them because I believed it was the right thing to do, I believed I was being a good woman by not running out at the first sign of trouble.

NEWSFLASH: I AM a good woman. I was a good woman before I met them and I will still be a good woman after I leave them. I just didn't see it. It took the love of my life to show me that  I was, am and will continue to be a good woman and I don't need to endure anyone's BULLSHIT ever. Thank you for that.

This time last year I was depressed because my soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend had not cared enough to EVER remember my birthday (his daughter kept reminding him every year) in the 9 years we had been together. So I didn't want to do anything for my birthday. And I had just recently given birth to a daughter and a son within a two year span!

I promised myself I would NOT spend another one of my birthdays sulking behind that man! And I meant it. I started celebrating my birthday after the dust cleared from New Years! Right now I am listening to my theme song, Lost At Sea by Zedd, on soundcloud.com.

I have friends who love me, family who love me, and more importantly I love me. I am learning to love myself better, and stronger. And you know what, it feels good because I am a pretty lovable person. I'm an AQUARIUS!

One Day at a Time

Patience. I am learning patience. The more I resist, the more obstacles will appear for me to PRACTICE being patient. I get it. I understand the methods of lesson teaching. For some lessons anyway. Recognizing what is truly going on versus what appears on the surface. Insecurity layered with doubt, anger, fear. That's what I encountered tonight. Actually I have been encountering that for the better part of ten years but I didn't recognize it for what it was - I looked at it for what I WANTED it to be.

Tonight (technically last night because it is 12:08 in the a.m. as I type this) I broadcast my radio show as I usually do but the individual who was supposed to represent my better half stormed around the house yelling and carrying on like a five year-old throwing a temper tantrum. Because I am recognizing the behavior for what it is, I was able to curb my anger by the time I had reached the room where he was. I closed my eyes and focused on breathing and seeing the nature of what was occurring. Being angry because I am pursuing interests separate from him. Being angry because I am giving myself permission to LIVE outside of his existence. Being angry because I am giving myself permission to be ME. I learned (the hard way of course) that it is not my responsibility to appease his anger, especially when I did nothing to cause it. So here I am happily typing away after another successful broadcast of On Why Yet's Watch (this week Matthias Mr. 16 Bars joined me). Check out my wordpress blog to read about it!

I Can't Run Forever

Musical energy has a very strong effect on me. Music is sensual depending on what instrument is played and how it is played. I am in tune to pianos and acoustic guitars primarily. I am realizing that people and music have similar energies. Love is a beautiful arrangement of color and music to create a soulful painting that holds you close every time you glance at it. I glimpsed it but then ran from it and running did me no good. I can't run from it anymore but I can do nothing about it at the present time. So I need to fine tune my music and brighten my colors...

Crywolf Performs This Saturday!

I am... I love music. Music expresses those feelings I am unable to communicate (for one reason or another). Music is that warm embrace when the arms I want aren't able to embrace me. Music is forgiving and understanding, like he is. Music is patient and persuasive. Music is him and he is music and our sound waves vibrate in sync... He knows who he is *blush*.

Okay, I digressed a little bit because I am listening to Aporia (Samuel Proffitt Remix) by Crywolf as I am writing this. Crywolf is performing this Saturday in Philadelphia and I have my ticket already! I am ultra excited because this will be my very first music concert ever!

Angels (Acoustic Version feat. Emalyn) is playing and the way Crywolf is picking those guitar strings and he's singing with Emalyn about falling in love for the first time makes me want to cry. I can totally relate. The first time I fell in love... Disney wouldn't be able to make a movie good enough to describe how deep I fell. And still falling. But life happens so what do you do? Go enjoy a musical concert, have a couple of drinks and a good cry every now and then. Or maybe that's just my way of coping - for now.

Old Lessons, New Year

Today was a little easier to digest than yesterday. The bitter truth of my current reality was a bit much to absorb. But today is a new day and as long as I keep taking steps towards what I want I know I will be alright.

Okay, 2016 is my year to cleanse, renew, redirect, recharge, re-energize, remember what gave me joy before the woes of adulthood took over. The simplistic things like singing. No not professionally, just for the sheer fun of it. I had stopped doing it when i entered into my current relationship. That was a flag I ignored. When you love someone you don't encourage them to GIVE UP what they love to do, you encourage them to embrace it and nurture it... That's my lesson for today.

Eyes Half Closed

I want to scream. I want to release all of this hurt and frustration and disappointment that is filling up my insides with raw heat. I want to abandon all of my hope that the fairytale is out there for me because it hurts too much to believe in it anymore. I want to go numb and not feel anything anymore. I want to blank out and just work and focus on my kids. I don't want to feel anything anymore because I am tired. So very tired, it is exhausting being this tired. I have tried and tried and tried and I wish my heart had an on/off switch that would make my life a little easier to endure from day to day.

But since I have no mountain top to scream from or the ability to flip a switch and turn my emotions off I will have to endure as best as I can, as I have done always.

Breathe. I just need to remember to breathe. One breath at a time.

Blessed Freedom!

The last time. The last tear. Ten years of me making excuses for his behavior, for his cruelty, for his vicious verbal attacks on my character, my family. Enough is enough and I am finally free. Peace of mind is a beautiful thing and you don't realize how precious it is until you no longer have it. Quiet, solitude, and peace is so calming it is crazy. Now to get my own place and start over. AGAIN. But this time I won't give up my space for anyone but the Creator. I have had enough of giving all of myself to someone only to be treated like trash. ENOUGH!

I know who I am, and I am far from perfect but I am not cruel or vicious. I know I love hard and I know I give the benefit of doubt to those who shouldn't even think to expect it but I feel this need to cheer people up and make them feel better because I KNOW first hand how fucked up the world can make you feel. I could not, in good conscious, make another human being feel that kind of suffering, that kind of pain. So god bless him because he is on a lonely path and I will no longer willing walk with him. He wants to be alone so bad so he can claim no one was there for him - then so be it.
Be alone. Without me. Without the kids. You will not treat them the way you treated your daughter all of these years, trying to justify your disrespectful, abusive behavior. She is a beautiful young woman and no she is not perfect but none of us are. I hope and pray you wake up before it's too late and she wants nothing to do with you.

I invested ten years of my life that I can not get back but I thank you for the two beautiful children and for letting me know (through your behavior) that I am a diamond in the rough and you just didn't know what to do with me *smiles* nor could you understand what I saw in you to make me stay so long. Don't worry anymore because what I saw is gone and so am I...

Viewpoints

This year, as with many other years, starts off full of hope and promise. Everyday begins the same way, full of hope and promise. Looking at the state of America right now I feel my talents would be better put to use as a financial planner versus an accountant, which is what I completed my degree in a few years ago. I love crunching numbers but what people need is to understand how they can make their money work for them to secure their future. People need to understand the complete function of their finances in order to make plans for the future.

And what better way to help improve the African American community than to become a financial planner and teach people how to function with what they have instead of yearning for what they don't. Plan for it now and pay for it later so ownership is a reality instead of a dream.

Before I was interested in teaching, but the Department of Education has a blatant disregard for education and educators. In the government's eyes prisons are profitable, educated citizens are not. So the field of education in that capacity is not for me. I said this year would be the year of truth for me...

Happy 2016!

Good evening and Happy New Year to all of you! This has been a journey since I started this blog ten years ago. I have gone silent a few times but I am back. With this new year starting, I am feeling rejuvenated and energized.

 Part of that is accepting the love in my heart I have been running from for too long. Whether or not anything grows from this, just knowing that I trusted my feelings and stopped running long enough to lay everything on the line gives me a sense of freedom I did not have before. Many may not understand but it is not for them to. This is my journey and I know what my spirit feels. When you meet people in life who completely get you, they completely understand you, hold on to them and do not ever let them go!